copyright (c) 2007 Lynn Woodland
This week ends a month dedicated to letting go and making space, as well as the quarter-long descent into darkness. With this week, we conclude a transformative process of healing, purification, self-scrutiny and ego-death that creates the foundation for next month’s spiritual rebirth. The culmination of this work requires unflinching self-honesty as we address things that compromise the impeccability of our integrity as well as keep us separate and powerless.
Letting Go of Judgment
Through judgment we define the world as good or bad, right or wrong, and create separateness. It’s not to be confused with the faculty of discernment, through which we have clear vision. It’s discernment that guides us not to rely upon someone whose behavior is untrustworthy, but it’s judgment that declares this same person bad, ourselves superior, and justifies the withholding of compassion, forgiveness and love.
Inherent in judgment is an attachment to being right that isn’t present with the neutral clarity of discernment, and there’s something compelling about being right that’s hard to relinquish. Yet being right (by proving someone else wrong) is, by its very nature, antithetical to well-being and inner peace. As we make someone else wrong, we strengthen our experience of alienation and we expend more energy executing our defense than on creating our joy. Judgment effectively separates us from the power of love and, sadly, the choice to cling to the limited satisfaction of being right is one we make when we lack faith in the possibility of true happiness. When we feel separate from love, we grab at what seems like the next best thing—being right.
Judgment Limits Vision
Living life without judgment, without the filter of right and wrong, requires a paradigm shift in perspective. When we feel attached to our position of rightness and to another’s wrongness, we can be certain that a bigger picture exists where joining, commonality, and healing can be found. This doesn’t mean giving in or letting go of being true to our own values. Shifting to a broader paradigm means expanding to include more than one view, not sacrificing a view.
This concept is illustrated by the Complementarity principle of quantum physics, which defines a reality where mutually exclusive opposites can coexist. This principle was discussed briefly in the introduction to this course, as related to the paradoxical way that matter can exhibit the seemingly mutually exclusive properties of particles and of energy waves. The logic of our physical senses would tell us that this is impossible. Matter must be one way or the other. Yet this perspective of Complementarity represents a paradigm shift in perception. It’s an expansion of vision that includes duality and paradox as part of truth.
Another principle of quantum physics is that of Nonlocality. This principle presents the universe as an unbroken whole where the pieces can’t be understood individually or analyzed separately from the entirety. This is yet a further expansion of perception from Complementarity. It suggests that parts of reality appear contradictory because we’re focusing on them singly, as separate elements, rather than in the context of the whole of existence. Put in more simplistic terms, remember the story of the six blind men encountering different parts of an elephant and coming up with radically different and incomplete notions of what an elephant is. Each found a piece of the truth, but none had true understanding.
When we’re attached to a position and hold it to be “the truth” to the exclusion of other truths, we’re just as blind. Letting go of judgment allows us the find the bigger picture that can simultaneously hold different perspectives of truth—even realities that are so different, they seem mutually exclusive. As our perspective continues to expand, ultimately these seeming paradoxes become understandable parts of a cohesive whole, just as radically different pieces combine to make a perfectly coherent elephant.
A first step toward this paradigm shift is being willing to believe, especially in times of self-righteousness, that the other position and your own both have validity, that neither is wrong. The idea that nothing is “wrong” can bring out self-righteous indignation in the best of us. It’s so easy to think of wrong things. What about children dying? What about abusive parents? What about murder? What about Hitler?
Shifting has to begin with drawing our attention away from the incomplete truths of our physical senses in order to frame reality in the context of spiritual truths. Remembering that we are more than our physical body and consequently are beyond physical harm puts many “wrong” acts into a new perspective. If tragic occurrences and abusive acts, even on the scale of Hitler, at the deepest level of truth, do no harm, then what do they do? Perhaps at a spiritual level, we agree to play certain roles in relation to one another, to help each other ultimately see through the illusions of fear to the truth of love.
I’ve heard more than one woman who lost a child through miscarriage or death in infancy share years after the event that, while the experience was heart-breaking at the time, it had the long-term effect of cementing a relationship with the spiritual being of that child in a way that was very powerful and comforting. Perhaps children die because they don’t need the lessons of growing into adulthood. What if there is a spiritual agreement between parent and child to spend a short amount of time together in physical bodies and then part? Perhaps the parting helps turn that parent’s life in an important new direction that would never have been found otherwise.
Suppose there’s a similar spiritual agreement that happens even between victims and abusers, in which each agrees to play a role to learn specific lessons, develop strengths, and play out a hurtful scenario until it’s no longer needed. Perhaps these experiences ultimately help us transcend the tragedy of the physical world and open to a spiritual reality where there are no victims and abusers. I offer these examples not as “Truth” but as questions to help us let go of what we’re sure we know so that we can keep stretching to new and expanded views of reality.
Nonjudgment in Action
Of course, letting go of the frame of right and wrong doesn’t mean we let go of our standards of behavior. We don’t need to call child abuse “good” because we’ve stopped focusing on its wrongness, and we’d still be just as adamant about protecting children from such experiences. The difference is that when we replace self-righteous anger with compassion for both the victim and the victimizer, we don’t just stop a hurtful act; we create miracles—like the real-life story of the rabbi who invited the anti-Semitic Nazi radio broadcaster to his home and through kindness transformed the man from a hatemonger to a peacemaker.
Another example of the power of compassion is this one from Carolyn Miller’s book Creating Miracles (see the First Week of October’s lesson for more on this amazing collection of true stories). This story tells of a former army M.P. named John who stopped a man as he was rampaging through a bar, slashing at people with a metal pipe. Instead of resorting to force, which one might have expected from an army M.P., “John gazed steadily into the madman’s eyes and said with great compassion, ‘You must be in terrible pain to do a thing like this’.” In moments, the attacker had surrendered his weapon and was weeping in John’s arms.
Quite simply, as we stop believing someone is bad and, instead, see them through the eyes of love, we help call forth their Higher Self and highest behavior. As we stop believing someone is damaged, we give energy to the part of that person that’s intact, and support their healing. As we stop believing ourselves to be victims, we stop attracting abusive treatment.
Seeing this bigger picture of reality means juggling some mind-boggling paradoxes. It requires having compassion for a person’s pain, while still having faith in the part of them that’s whole and undamaged. It means seeing the good in someone while saying “no” to their abusive behavior. It involves accepting our power to create our own reality at the same time that we surrender to a Higher Power.
The Power of “I’m Sorry”
In the book Peace Pilgrim: Her Life and Her Work in Her Own Words , Peace Pilgrim told of a man who was very upset to hear that she would be speaking at his church. He’d seen her picture in the newspaper and was horrified by her poor and scruffy appearance. He complained to his minister and to congregation members. Someone told Peace Pilgrim about this man’s distress and right away she called him. This is the conversation they had, in her words:
‘This is Peace Pilgrim calling,’ I said. I could hear him gasp. Afterward he told me that he thought I had called to bawl him out. I said, ‘I have called to apologize to you because evidently I must have done something to offend you, since without even knowing me you have been apprehensive about my speaking at your church. Therefore I feel I must somehow owe you an apology and I have called to apologize!’
Do you know that man was in tears before the conversation was over? And now we’re friends—he corresponded with me afterward. Yes, the law of love works!
Faced with a similar situation, how much more natural it would be for most of us to take offense with the complaining parishioner, to see him in the wrong, and respond in nearly any way other than to apologize—yet how powerful these words were! They changed a life, not just a situation.
I once witnessed the power of the words “I’m sorry” to bring healing to the incredibly deep wounds of racism. In a five-day intensive I led once where the racial balance was about 80% African American and 20% white, issues of racism were hotly debated throughout the whole workshop. The black members of the group voiced their anger, pain, and bitterness toward white culture in a way that I’d never seen in groups that were predominantly white.
On the last day of our time together, there was an emotional exchange between a black and a white member of the group. Both were crying as they talked about how the wound of racism had affected them. Others in the room were crying, too, as they listened, and in the midst of this sharing, another black woman suddenly began sobbing loudly and uncontrollably. When she could speak again, she told us what happened to trigger her outburst—the white woman sitting next to her had just turned to her and, with tears in her eyes, whispered “I’m sorry.” The black woman said she’d been waiting her whole life to hear a white person say those words. As she spoke, others began to cry and fall into each other’s arms. For that instant, we transcended the lines of racial separateness and were able to love one another, not in spite of our races, but including our racial differences.
The woman who apologized wasn’t overtly racist. She could have argued that she wasn’t responsible for hundreds of years of slavery and racial oppression, and had nothing to apologize for. Yet, in that moment, she was able to speak in a voice that felt representative of the whole white race, by taking responsibility for her own shadow. Her apology didn’t say, “I’m guilty, I’m bad, it’s all my fault.” It simply said, “I see in myself a piece of the Oppressor, and am deeply sorry for the pain it’s caused.”
It’s the pain of acknowledging our disowned shadow that makes saying “I’m sorry” so difficult. A stance of defensive self-righteousness allows us to avoid acknowledging something repugnant about ourselves, but when we let this go and see the kernel of truth in any attack made against us, we suddenly have less to defend. We’re no longer wasting energy on hiding our deepest secret—that we are flawed—and we gain incredible power to transform our situation.
Experiment
Next time you feel stuck in a standoff of disagreement and find yourself defending your position, stop. Be silent and simply listen to the other person. Don’t interrupt. As you allow them to speak, instead of planning your next response, really hear what they’re saying. Just about every side of a disagreement has at least a kernel of truth. Find this kernel in the other person’s position and validate it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly this takes the steam out of a fight and opens new possibilities for healing.
Telling the Truth
Just as all matter is part of one indivisible whole, so is all thought part of “one mind” of universal intelligence. This truth about our oneness and interconnectedness makes lying an impossibility. A lie implies and requires a separateness that doesn’t exist. This concept may seem abstract and divorced from everyday reality as we know it however, as we learn to listen a little more closely to gut feelings and inner knowing, it becomes surprisingly easy to know when someone isn’t being truthful. We know because something doesn’t feel right, look right, or sound right. We know because at the deepest core of our being, we’re connected to each other; therefore, we just know the truth.
When we live as if we can hide the truth from others, we diminish our power. Dishonesty is antithetical to synergy in the same way that fear is antithetical to love. I once heard a well-known healer speak about the health benefits of telling the truth. He was able to see the energy field surrounding the physical body that reflects our state of physical and emotional health and noticed that whenever someone spoke an untruth, their aura would contract and become less healthy. Their immune system would actually be depressed. Medical intuitive and best-selling author Caroline Myss says, “the human energy system identifies lies as poison.” Spirit and body alike require honesty and integrity to thrive.
Honesty and our ability to keep our word comprise a major component of our integrity. Integrity is far more than our ability to be a good and moral person. One of the definitions of integrity listed in the dictionary is, “The state of being whole, entire, or undiminished. A sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition.” We are all conduits through which universal energy flows. The soundness or “integrity” of our channel is diminished by intentional dishonesty as well as by unintentional untruths, as when we fail to keep our word. Imagine this channel as a waterline, and that each untruth creates a tiny leak, lessening the energy that can come to us and diffusing the power that can come from us. While we may have chosen to lie to protect ourselves or serve our own purposes somehow, the end result is that every lie comes back home, undermining our power, our capacity for intimacy, and even our physical health.
While most of us don’t consider ourselves liars, if you were to review the last month, how many moments would you be able to count when you spoke something other than the truth? Perhaps you said “yes” when you really meant “no,” or made a social excuse that wasn’t altogether truthful. The more attention I give to honesty, the more complex it seems. I become aware of how easy it is to lie, how natural and ingrained.
I had always thought of myself as a truthful person, yet some years ago, when I challenged myself to total honesty, I was astonished by all the little “innocent” lies I was tempted to tell. There were, for example, my excuses for why I didn’t attend social events. I had to learn to be truthful about my quiet nature and admit that I’m often just not in the mood for parties. There were excuses designed to spare people’s feelings. I had to become willing to admit I was screening calls and didn’t feel like talking instead of saying I wasn’t home. I became aware of how many times people ask me how I am and I say “Great!” without even considering whether or not I’m speaking the truth.
While my “honesty” experiment raised many situations where honesty seemed unnecessary, hurtful, or inappropriate, ultimately I concluded that there is always an appropriate way to handle a situation truthfully and less hurtfully than a lie.
As I vowed to speak only the truth, I often found myself drawn into a deeper level of interaction than I might have experienced if left to flow with the path of least resistance. And, while the energy I had to expend was greater, so were the rewards. When an old friend called after a long break in our communication, instead of slipping into an easy social lie for why we hadn’t talked (“Oh, I’ve just been sooo busy…” ) I found myself explaining how our last conversation had hurt my feelings a little and that instead of saying so, I’d just put off calling. Then, as time went by, I started feeling guilty about not calling and so I put it off even more. We wound up talking for over an hour about what was really going on between us, mending the hurts instead of sweeping them aside.
I’ve heard people insist that others can’t always handle the truth and it’s better to lie to spare their feelings. The chink in this theory is that there’s a level of interaction that goes on between us, all the time, where we can’t lie or hide the truth. Even when we may have no physical evidence that someone is lying to us, our instincts and gut feelings know the truth. We may not fully or consciously acknowledge this level of knowing, but it’s still there. We may believe a spouse who says he or she is not having an affair, but if they are, on some level we know it. Something doesn’t feel right. There’s a distance between us. If we don’t trust or even know how to listen to our intuitive awareness, we may turn these feelings in on ourselves and become self-critical or depressed.
When there is a lack of truth between people, it has a separating impact on the relationship whether or not the lie is ever discovered. This separation denies us the benefits inherent in that relationship—the synergy, healing, joy, and love. Even when we believe we’re getting away with something, we’re actually losing.
Separating Healing Truth from Hurtful Words
Telling the truth doesn’t mean it’s necessary to share every mean, judgmental thought that goes through our heads (“What an ugly shirt…, bad haircut…, stupid thing to say…,” etc.). This level of “truth” isn’t really about the other person. It stems from our own self-judgment that we then project onto the world around us. The difference between truth and judgment is that judgment always creates separation between people. Remember, judgment isn’t the same as discernment. It’s possible to evaluate someone’s strengths and weaknesses and still feel acceptance and compassion for that person. Judgment always sets up a context of better and worse and focuses on what’s wrong, either with another or with ourselves.
Because what we give attention to we make bigger, as we give attention to the failings of others, we call forth their worst behavior. In this way judgment always boomerangs and comes back to bite the one judging. Judgment needs to be healed rather than shared.
Truth, on the other hand, when it’s free of judgment, is ultimately healing, and frees up energy that had previously been directed toward preserving the facade. Even when truth raises a lot of discord and doesn’t seem to be healing at all, it’s a necessary step for true healing to happen. When truth is suppressed, all the tension and conflict that we may fear will be stirred up by the speaking honestly remains trapped within the body, affecting the immune system, physical health, inner peace, and creative energy. While the conflict may be challenging to deal with as it comes into the open, the energy of it could be lethal if held inside indefinitely. Many people find their health improving as they speak the truth more often.
So, what if friends ask how we like their new hair style, business idea, or mate, and we think they’re awful? The highest response is the truth free of judgment, and might require discerning what’s really being asked of us. Is our friend asking whether or not we accept their choice, or asking for an honest reality check? If it’s the latter, we need to give honest, albeit painful, feedback. If, on the other hand, it’s more a matter of different personal preferences, there may be something to honestly appreciate about the choice. I have an old friend whose taste I’ve never shared. We’ve come a long way since our junior high school days when she wouldn’t hesitate to blurt out, “What an ugly dress!” Now we’ve developed a mutual understanding and acceptance of each other’s styles, so that when we go shopping together and one of us excitedly pulls something off the rack saying “Isn’t this beautiful!” , the other will say, “Why, that really looks like you!”
Many times I’ve been asked whether or not to disclose the fact of an extramarital affair after the affair has ended. My answer again hinges around the question, what does the other person want to know? If a spouse asks directly whether or not you’ve had an affair, it’s important to answer honestly and deal with the consequences. As I mentioned before, on some level we all know the truth about each other, especially about things that affect us as deeply as our partner’s fidelity. If a partner asks, it’s safe to assume that they already sense the truth at a subconscious level. Not to acknowledge the truth at this point would create more distrust and separateness in the long run, even though it may seem to keep peace in the short run. What’s more, it can cause a great deal of inner turmoil for the partner who’s been lied to and must choose between believing the untrue words or their own instincts.
On the other hand, if a partner doesn’t ask or seem to want to know, it may be a way of indicating their unreadiness to deal with the information. It’s not necessarily helpful or fair to dump a guilty confession on someone before they’re ready for it. Neither is it healthy to keep a secret indefinitely. One option in this situation is to have a conversation with your partner’s Higher Self at a time when they’re not physically present and tell everything you need to get out in the open. Often by conversing at this level, the opportunity will soon arise to speak face to face in a way that’s healing rather than shattering.
Letting Go of Secrets
Honesty is much more than the avoidance of telling a lie. An important step in becoming honest has to do with releasing secrets. Even though it may seem like a passive act, it takes energy to keep a secret. Keeping many secrets drains energy and this affects all areas of life, including health, intimacy, and feelings of empowerment. Secrets create a barrier between us and others. There’s a facade we must keep in place because we believe that if people see who we really are, something terrible will happen.
Secrets release their hold on us as we speak them and come out of hiding. It’s powerfully therapeutic to share secrets in an atmosphere of trust, forgiveness, and love. Do, however, go gently into this process! Showing up at work one day and telling all your deepest, darkest secrets may be a bad idea. Find caring, sensitive support for this cathartic work. A trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or a support group are good ways to begin. Another person’s input can help you discern how, when, and if you want to share your secrets with more people in your life. Hearing the secrets of others, as in a support group setting, can be a very helpful way of putting your own in perspective. But sharing secrets is only helpful if it promotes deeper self-acceptance, so never share a secret because of an impulse to punish or humiliate yourself for something you feel guilty about. This won’t serve you or anyone else.
Higher Self Communication
This powerful technique begins with the assumption that we all have an aspect of our being that’s greater than our conscious thoughts, feelings, personal histories, and the limits of our physical body.
I think of the Higher Self as being wise beyond limit, thus able to know the truth about ourselves and others beyond what we can know with our physical senses. Being something more than our physical body, it’s a part of us that’s always whole and beyond harm. So, at the highest level of who we are, we can’t be victimized by another. This doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain, but that a deeper part of us always survives, whole and intact. Finally, and most importantly, the basic nature of the Higher Self is that of unconditional love and oneness with all other beings.
Because consciousness is a powerful force in and of itself, a very real interaction occurs as we direct thoughts and feelings toward another person. This interaction occurs whether or not we’re consciously aware of it and whether or not we’re in each other’s physical presence.
Speaking directly to someone’s Higher Self is a way to gently, and often miraculously, heal stubborn rifts with people, send protection and healing, or broach a conversation we haven’t yet found a way into face to face. It’s very powerful between lovers, parents and children, and family members because there’s such a strong psychic link in these intimate relationships. But it’s also an effective way to deal with any kind of relationship: with bosses, co-workers, or friends, for example. It’s the same process we used several weeks ago to relate to people who are no longer living, and it’s even a way to connect with people we haven’t met yet, such as a future lover or teacher, or someone who may be able to offer help in some important way.
Of course, it’s not a technique for secretly getting other people to do what we want. People respond to “in-spirit” manipulation about as poorly as they do to in-person manipulation. Many will instinctively sense your energy-grabbing attempts and be repelled. Others who are more susceptible to manipulation may succumb for a while, setting up a relationship pattern in which the manipulator is affirmed in the belief that devious means are needed to get what should be given freely, and the manipulated person is affirmed in powerlessness and vulnerability. Ultimately, both are disempowered and come out losers. To avoid having this process boomerang in an unpleasant way, it’s important to begin any Higher Self communication by first connecting with your own Higher Self and speaking from the part of you that wants only the best for everyone involved.
Exercise I: Speaking the Truth
Bring to mind a relationship where there is the divisive energy of right and wrong between you and another person; a relationship that could benefit from a conversation in spirit. It may be with someone you feel has hurt you, with whom you’re still attached to your “rightness.” It could be with someone who feels hurt by you and one or both of you believe you to be “wrong.” It could be with someone from whom you’re withholding a truth they deserve to know.
Step One
Sit quietly in front of an unlit candle with paper and pen close by. Take a few moments to relax and attune to your own Higher Self. Play music if you wish. Bring to mind the person to whom you chose to speak.
Step Two
Light the candle and imagine the flame representing the highest qualities of this person. Spend a few moments looking into the flame, feeling her or his presence. Feel only the presence of this being’s highest, most loving essence.
Step Three
Speak from your Higher Self to the other person’s Higher Self. Speak out loud or silently and imagine the person hearing you as clearly as if he or she were physically present. Share whatever you’ve been unable to share face to face: feelings of anger and hurt, secrets, untruths, apologies, or any kind of conversation you’ve been afraid to have directly. If you’ve never acknowledged the kernel of truth in this person’s position, do so now.
Step Four
After speaking your message, imagine the response that comes from this person’s Higher Self and write it down.
Step Five
Continue to dialogue in this way until you feel complete. Ask this person’s Higher Self to work with yours to create peace and harmony between you in the highest possible way. End your conversation by thanking the person, saying good-bye, and extinguishing the candle.
Exercise II: Building Integrity
Part I of this exercise is a self-assessment that will give you an idea of how much psychic garbage you’ve accumulated in the form of broken promises, untruths, lack of forgiveness, etc. This accumulation diminishes the power of your integrity, your effectiveness as a human, and your overall well-being. The second part includes some action steps to strengthen areas of weakness. This exercise is a hefty project and will probably require more than a week. I suggest taking the next month and using this work as preparation for the spiritual rebirth of winter. You may even find yourself working on it throughout the winter season.
This task may not seem as fun as the work of late spring, where we prepare to manifest our deepest heart’s desires, or that of late summer, with its emphasis on bliss and ease, or even late winter, when we manifest loving relationships, but this shadow work of fall is what gives power to all the rest, so I encourage you not to skip through this part without giving it your full attention. Do it as though your every cherished dream depended upon it.
Part I: Self Assessment
Step One
Write down any times in the last month when you gave your word and didn’t keep it. List everything you can think of even if you feel you did the “right” thing, or it feels trivial, or you couldn’t help it.
Step Two
List any times in the more distant past when you’ve broken a promise. Include broken financial agreements as well as interpersonal situations. Write down as many broken promises as you can remember.
Step Three
Write down all the lies you can remember telling.
Step Four
Add to this list any other experiences that you’ve left incomplete or messy in some way. Include the words you needed to say but withheld, the unpleasant situations you chose to leave instead of clean up, the times when your integrity broke down, and the people you’ve hurt.
Step Five
Next, make a list of people and situations that have hurt you, especially those you haven’t fully forgiven. (If an experience comes to mind and you think you’ve forgiven but there’s still an emotional charge to it, you haven’t fully forgiven.)
Part II: Cleaning Up the Past
Step One
Imagine that everything on this list is a leak in your connection to the Universal Source. As you tell a lie, you literally depress your energy field and your physical immune system. As you break your word, you affirm the weakness of your intentions and diminish your creative power. As you feel guilt and regret about the past, your energy is directed into creating punishment and drawing more regretful experiences to you. As you withhold forgiveness, your fear and bitterness attract people and circumstances that will bring more victimization into your life.
Step Two
Of all the unfinished business you listed, ask your Higher Self to direct your attention to one particular circumstance. Don’t think about it too much or to try to control what comes up. Just let your mind open and see what pops into mind first.
Step Three
Let whatever came up be the starting place for cleaning up your past. Trust that this circumstance came to mind first because it’s significantly blocking your energy and is keeping you from manifesting your highest good. Ask your deepest, wisest self to show you at least one step you’re willing to commit to toward healing this unfinished business. It may be to speak words that have been withheld, or to right a wrong you’ve done to someone; it may be to take responsibility for a financial commitment. It could take a more internal form: you could talk to someone’s Higher Self or work with an affirmation of forgiveness, such as “I am now willing to forgive and see innocence in myself and this other person.”
What comes to you may be a small step or a large one, or several steps. Make sure you’re willing to keep whatever commitment you make to yourself around this. Don’t set a goal too big to keep. As you do this clean-up work, imagine that it’s increasing your power, health, and well-being.
Step Four
When you complete these steps, go back to Step Two and ask your Higher Self to direct your attention to the next issue on your list that you are now ready to heal.
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