Second Week of November: Control vs. Mastery

For every ineffectual way we’ve tried to take control from a place of fear, there’s a form of effective mastery we’ve sacrificed. As important as it is to let go of what we can’t control from an egoistic place, it’s just as important to take control where we’ve previously abdicated responsibility. This is how we gain true power, not just a false and temporary sense of safety. The focus of our work this week, while still continuing the fall theme of letting go, addresses, paradoxically, the true control we always have even in the midst of seemingly out-of-control circumstances.

Our word is one such area of power. At those times when we feel most out of control, when even our thoughts seem beyond our power to change, we absolutely can choose our words. Words are a much overlooked part of our creative power. Like seeds, they may seem small and insignificant, yet they begin all the gardens, crops, and weeds that become our lives. Before reading further, take a few minutes to reflect on the following questions.

Questions for Thought

How much thought do you give before verbally committing yourself to things?
When you give your word, are you speaking what you hope to accomplish or what you’re certain you’ll do?
How important is it to you to do what you say you will? Is there a big difference between your intentions and your actions?

Self-Responsibility and Keeping Our Word

Is there any reason to make a big deal about whether we keep every promise we make? Of course, there are some obvious consequences to chronically breaking promises. We let people down and must then deal with their disappointment and distrust. But for many of us, these consequences never reach epic proportions. Our friends and family learn to live with our frequent lateness or occasional cancellations and we give the whole matter very little thought. Yet, there’s another, less visible factor in operation every time we use our words to define our intentions. When we speak, we’re giving expression to our thoughts, and our thoughts are creative.

A fundamental principle we come back to again and again in this work is that what we think is what we create. Our subconscious creative mind is like a computer, very literally creating the reality we program into it through our constant thoughts and words. The current circumstances of our lives reflect aspects of what we think, what we believe, and where we give our attention. If we want to know what we’re telling ourselves over and over, all we need do is look around at the life we’ve created. If we believe life is hard and speak of it often, we’ll certainly live a hard life. If we believe we’re at the mercy of circumstances beyond our control, and offer frequent excuses for why we can’t keep the promises we made, we’ll perpetually call into our lives circumstances that overpower us and necessitate more excuses.

Just as repeating a positive affirmation directs our subconscious mind toward creating that affirmation as reality, all the rest of our conscious and not-so-conscious self-talk becomes our reality as well. Every thought we think and every word we casually speak is a creative force. Every time we speak an intention and then fail to carry it out we give the message, not just to others, but to our subconscious creative mind, that we don’t have the power to carry through. While this may not seem significant when it comes to keeping a social engagement, this generalized message can have a devastating effect when applied to the more important areas of our lives. It can affect our ability to carry through on our intentions to make a relationship work, to pursue our life purpose, or to create what we want most in life.

Consequently, developing the ability to keep our word isn’t just about being a “good” person. It relates directly to our power and ability to turn any intention into reality. Have you ever made a wrong turn to a particular destination and then the next time found yourself making the same wrong turn again automatically? Soon the wrong turn is firmly anchored as an unconscious habit that has to be unlearned. In the same way when we have a significant number of experiences that start with a promise being made and end with that promise being broken, our subconscious mind begins to automatically put these two things together. This unconscious part of us is very literal. It doesn’t know the difference between a promise to someone else and a promise to self, or which promises are important to us and which are not. It simply generalizes our own personal reality that promises aren’t always kept.

Then when a crucially important promise arises, our subconscious creative mind applies the same belief system to the process of keeping it. Whatever resistance we bring to keeping the smaller promises of life—lack of motivation, unforeseen circumstances getting in the way, lack of time, struggle—all this will find its way into our bigger promises as well.

When we establish a habit of keeping every promise we make, we set in motion a similar, automatic conditioned response. Only this time, our subconscious creative mind sets about keeping our promises from the personal reality that all promises are fulfilled. All of our creativity is directed toward this end, and we don’t find ourselves battling against insurmountable obstacles or running out of steam. As in learning a new route to a destination, the more we travel it, the more it becomes automatic and doesn’t require any thought or effort.

When I present the concept in my workshops that we create our own reality, it invariably meets with massive resistance. “But, surely there are circumstances that really are out of our control!” people say, and then mention the multitudes of circumstances that could prevent them from keeping their word. And as they speak, they’re directing creative mind power into envisioning, speaking, and unknowingly calling these possibilities into being, proving themselves right! Instead, they could choose to imagine, and thereby create, a different reality.

I’ve seen circumstances shift in a “coincidental” way to accommodate someone’s clear intention so often that I’ve long ceased to consider it coincidence. For example, a woman who had attended several of my five-day workshops had been late every Friday evening due to a regular work commitment. The fourth time she attended, she announced on Thursday that she was going to experiment: she decided very firmly that she was going to be on time the next day. She didn’t know how; she just pictured it happening and nothing else. The next day she was not only on time, she was early. Her last several clients of the day unexpectedly canceled, leaving her with hours of free time. This didn’t just happen once; she was able to repeat the experience at the next workshop she attended.

Then there was a time when I was preparing to board a flight home after a long work trip. I was exhausted and not looking forward to getting off the plane and driving right to a group I was scheduled to lead that evening. What’s more, the flight was packed with a group of very boisterous twelve years olds who were already driving me crazy in the waiting area. I dreaded the thought of stuffing my exhausted self into a small space with all of their energy.

Just as these thoughts were rumbling through my mind, a flight attendant approached me and apologetically said I’d have to wait for a later flight as the plane was overbooked with passengers unable to accommodate a delay. I jumped at the opportunity to avoid the plane full of preteens and to have a good excuse for not leading my group that evening (“It’s not my fault—I was bumped from my flight!”). What’s more, there was the bonus prize of the free air ticket they offered for my “inconvenience.” Things were looking brighter by the minute!

But then, I got to thinking about the “importance of keeping a commitment” talk I give in my workshops. A little part of me actually started wanting to get back to my group instead of indulging in the leisurely lunch, quiet flight, and restful evening (not to mention the free air ticket) that I was envisioning. As I wished for some way I could return home in time, the flight attendant approached again, this time to say there was one seat left for me after all, only it was in first class. So, not only did I get home in time, I wound up having a very nice, peaceful flight with first class service, removed from the noise and bustle of the kids. I also wound up having a wonderful experience in my group that evening. I went home feeling refreshed and happy.

A reason I hear people cite frequently for needing to break their word has to do with self-care, as in, “Sometimes it’s just more important to take care of myself than to keep a commitment. After all, if I don’t take care of myself, how can I take care of anyone else?”

Feeling pitted between getting our own needs met and meeting the needs of others is a common experience for many of us, yet it, too, is a result of our thoughts and beliefs. It signals a basic assumption about life that it’s either you or them, and sooner or later someone will have to sacrifice. As you shift this belief, you’ll stop attracting situations that force you to choose between your own well-being and that of others. Where you saw only two choices, suddenly new options will appear that allow everyone’s highest good to be served.

Any time we feel torn between two choices, where either we lose or someone else does, there’s a bigger picture we haven’t seen. No matter how firmly we believe there to be only two imperfect options, invariably there are more. We just haven’t let go enough to find them. Black and white thinking produces limited options and is driven by the ego’s need to take control and feel right. Limitless possibilities come when we relax and let go of attachment to our way of thinking so that creativity, imagination, and inspiration can lead us in entirely different, yet satisfactory, paths.

Giving and Keeping Our Word in an Empowered Way

Before looking at how to keep our word, it’s important to carefully examine how we give it. Many of us say yes quickly, because it’s easier than saying no, without really giving thought to our willingness or capacity to carry through. We want to avoid the direct confrontation of saying no; or we sincerely wish we could mean yes, even though we’re overextending ourselves and know we can’t keep every promise we make.

Some of us struggle with the whole idea of commitment. Once a commitment has been made we feel restricted, anxious, even rebellious. Of course, this too reflects learned beliefs about life. We may have learned to approach life with an expectation that there’s never enough freedom or choice. This can result in a lifetime of struggle, wasting creative energy on rebelling and keeping all options open and, consequently, never receiving the rewards of committing fully to a path.

The flip side of this coin includes those of us who fulfill every commitment perfectly because we’re afraid not to. Here there’s a belief that “I must be perfect to be accepted.” Those who fear commitment and those who fear breaking commitments both are caught in a pattern of reacting to external forces. When we’re caught in this reactive pattern, it becomes difficult to hear the inner guidance that tells us when to commit and when to say no.

Consider making a habit of stopping and thinking before making a commitment, even a small one. Envision keeping the commitment. If it’s hard to imagine, it’s likely that you won’t keep it. Check in with your body and ask for a “yes” or “no” feeling. If you feel excited, peaceful, or happy, it is a sign that you have energy and willingness to carry through. If you feel heavy or uncomfortable, then the commitment will be harder to keep and may not be in your best interest.

By saying no more often, we make our subconscious creative mind less likely to call forth circumstances “beyond our control” to prevent us from keeping our promises. As we become more careful about making only the promises we intend to keep, it becomes easier to keep all the promises we make.

Should you find yourself in a position of having given your word with every intention of keeping it, yet somewhere along the way things have changed so that the commitment feels burdensome or even impossible, you still can find an alternative to breaking your word. This is an opportunity to transform your situation to find a solution more creative and expansive than you have yet imagined.

I once made a commitment to lead a six-month long training program, but three months into it I unexpectedly left my job at the sponsoring organization. On one hand, I didn’t want to be burdened with three more months of work at a job I no longer held. On the other hand, I had emphasized to participants the importance of making a commitment to attend the full six months and felt that my integrity was on the line. I felt I had no choice but to keep my commitment, but was doing so grudgingly.

After a week or two of this, it suddenly occurred to me that there might be another choice besides deserting my class or being burdened with unwanted work. I decided to make the next three months the best group experience of my life. I had no particular plan for how to make this happen; I just held the vision of it in my mind. Very quickly, the group reflected my intention back to me by becoming more bonded, more open, and more willing to take risks. It did, in fact, evolve into the most powerful and fulfilling group experience I’d ever had, and others in the group remembered it in the same way for many years afterward. I’m very grateful not to have missed this experience by choosing to “take care of myself” and breaking my commitment.

Another alternative that many people never consider is to simply have a conversation with the person you gave your word to and see if he or she is willing to release you from your commitment. Sometimes it’s important to the other person that you keep your promise, and sometimes it’s truly not a big deal. It may be a gift that the other person is happy to give you.

Keeping our word doesn’t mean turning life into a terrible burden and pushing ourselves beyond reasonable limits. Rather, as we decide to make our word into something solid and meaningful and direct creative power toward this end, it begins to happen easily, naturally, even joyfully.

If you do find yourself in the position of breaking your word, consider doing so in a more empowered way by letting go of the habit of explaining why it wasn’t your fault. Every time we say that we wanted to do something but couldn’t, we affirm our powerlessness and give more power to the part of us that’s well-meaning but ineffectual. So, instead, look deeper than the usual excuses and ask yourself what part of your thoughts, fears, or wishes is reflected in the current outcome. Imagine that you could have created a different outcome if you’d directed your thought and creativity along different channels, and you can create a different outcome next time.

It’s important, as you do this, to let go of all blame and shame. These attitudes pull our creative energy into a dark hole and keep it there. When you break a promise, instead of judging what you’ve done as wrong or resenting the person you made the commitment to, completely step out of the dynamic of victim and victimizer that goes along with blame and shame. Look at the experience as feedback, showing you how, where, and why you block your own creative power. Use the experience to help you see how to become a more powerful channel.

For example, there was another time I was scheduled to fly home to Baltimore from a work-related trip in Minneapolis and go right to a weekly group that I led. On this particular trip, I’d just left some very intense emotional experiences that felt incomplete. I wasn’t quite ready to go home. My flight left on time but two hours into what was normally a two and a half hour flight, the pilot announced that he was turning the plane around and we were flying back to Minneapolis due to thunderstorms around the Baltimore area. My unwillingness to go home manifested quite dramatically and I wound up back in the Twin Cities. I didn’t get home until very late that night and missed my group meeting.

At the next session, instead of explaining about storms and the plane turning around, I talked instead about the emotional experience I had had and my divided attention. I apologized for this rather than for circumstances beyond my control. I used the evening to be as fully present as I could and strengthen my commitment to the group.

Blame and shame constitute our greatest resistance to the possibility that we are the creators of our lives. If we’re powerful enough to create ease and fulfillment, then we must also take responsibility for the struggle as well. And if we want the ability to call forth miraculous coincidences and healing, as our work here delves into, it’s particularly essential to recognize our connection to the unhappy coincidences of life.

Unfortunately, we’re so conditioned to see through the filters of judgment and guilt that this can feel like a terrible burden. Better to continue in a safe groove of mediocrity than to accept that we’ve called circumstances to us through our thoughts, fears, expectations, and soul purposes.

Yet, much of what we create in life, for better and for worse, stems from semi-conscious assumptions and patterns of thought that we learned at a very young age. There’s no shame in believing and doing what we were taught. Furthermore, there are some things we call into being, such as illness and hardship, that seem to have some deep soul purpose, helping us learn lessons we wouldn’t learn any other way. Figuring out why and who’s to blame isn’t helpful, but knowing the truth—that we always have the potential to transform our experience in the present—is.

Exercise I: Empowering Your Word

As you carefully choose the commitments you make and only make those you intend to keep, you’ll strengthen your subconscious belief in your ability to keep your word. Not only will it become easier to keep the promises you make, you’ll also be able to create your heart’s desires simply by promising yourself that it will be so. Starting now, and for the remainder of the fall quarter, practice the following steps for empowering your word with every large and small commitment you make.

Step One

Before giving your word to anything, no matter how small, stop and check in with yourself to see if you’re truly willing and able to carry through. As suggested earlier, see if you can easily imagine doing what you say, and make only those promises you’re willing to keep. Give yourself permission to say “no” when something doesn’t feel right. Allow yourself time before giving your word if you’re not sure. Learn to say “Let me get back to you,” rather than hastily committing to something.

Step Two

Once you’ve given your word, imagine yourself following through in a way that’s easy and pleasant. Dispel any thoughts that pop up about what might prevent you from keeping your word, or visions of it being difficult and burdensome. As these thoughts arise, replace them with an affirmation such as, “It is easy and effortless to keep all my promises,” and picture yourself going about your commitments in a way that truly is fun and easy.

Step Three

If you find yourself feeling burdened by a commitment you made, be creative in finding a way to transform the burden into something beneficial for all concerned. The only thing creating the burden is your attitude, and this is always under your control to change. Ask yourself, “If keeping this promise meant I could have my heart’s desire, would I be more willing?” Recognize that in ways that may not be obvious to your linear mind, there really is truth in this connection. As you find a creative win/win way to keep your word, imagine your heart’s desire becoming more accessible.

Exercise II: Stop “Trying”

There are many words and expressions we use automatically that diffuse the clear intent and, consequently, the creative power of our words. Our words both express and shape our state of mind. The very act of speaking affirmative words can change our state of mind to a more powerful one, even if we don’t start out believing or feeling their truth. In the same way, disempowering words can impair our effectiveness even when we feel strong. One notorious example of a disempowering word is “try.” Feel it for yourself by taking something you frequently attach that word to and rephrasing it in a more affirmative way. For example, “I’m trying to get out of debt” would become “I’m getting out of debt.” Say your first statement several times over and then say it several times the other way. Notice the effect each wording has on your feelings of strength, confidence, and clarity.

This week, avoid using the word “try.” When it slips out of your mouth before you remember not to, restate what you just said in a more affirmative way. As you do this, be aware that the clarity of your words is creating a clear path for your intent to manifest.

If you want to amplify the power of this exercise, make a promise to yourself not to use the word “try” for one week. See how well you keep it.